ldbug's Cancer Blog

August 6, 2010

I just turned 35, the first birthday without mom…I finally got serious about my personal healing and de-stress. Among things like taking a class in Understanding Chinese Medicine, getting acupuncture and massage, starting to invest money in my IRA, I also started grief therapy. It took almost a year, but I needed it.
I’m on my 3rd week going on my 4th. Every time I walk in there, I think that I have nothing much to say this week – I don’t know why I need to get prodded, but then…it happens. I talk and I cry. It’s this deep hurt, like a break in my heart, that I can’t seem to fix, and I just cover it with smiles and denial.
The last 2 sessions have been good…in the former of the two, I had my first breakthrough. One thought led to another thought that led to another thought that made me look at this UGLINESS I was hiding. I thought of my behavior on the days when my mom wasn’t hungry in the hospital and I walked out angrily because she “wasn’t trying”, I thought of our last trip together and how she had that UTI we didn’t know about and when we’d walk, she’d walk behind me, so when I’d slow down to try and walk with her, she’d slow down and I would be so annoyed. UGLY UGLY UGLY feeling – It makes me tear up just typing this. UGH, but I know I also fought tooth and nail for her.
The therapy session this past week was another good one. I told the therapist that I have residual anxiety and stress from last year. I would sleep like 2-3 hours a night just worried about my mom being in the hospital, thinking and thinking about how we would get her out of there. Thinking and planning took up most of my mental time and energy, and when she was gone, I filled that mental gap with other things…like taking a class, starting acupuncture, appointment for massage, reading new books, planning planning, stressing stressing, keep on on moving, go go go.
She had me do this breathing exercise to just sit and be…and notice what thoughts pop in, etc. So, as usual, I’m distracted by outside noises, and realize my breathing is pretty rapid and shallow – what is this about? Why am I so worried? Then I think of my up-coming weekend plans and I’m worried that I’m not prepared, I don’t want to let people down that I’ll be out with. Then it dawns on me, I’m fearing failure (which is not new to me, I’m such an over-achiever!). But this fear stems from feeling that I failed to save my mother – Logically, I know there is nothing more I could’ve done for her, but my heart doesn’t understand that.
I feel good that I’ve named these emotions that are ruling my life, but now I have to figure out how to let these emotions rest without dominating me. I’m just not sure how to let go without resolve, without having things turn out how I wanted them to, without having my prayers answered and have my mom still here….Tough times are still ahead, but this was still a huge step for me.

Posted on August 6, 2010 at 1:09:27 PM by Alyssa ( Personal Breakthoughs, now comes the work..., 3 comments)

Dear Alyssa,
You’ve suffered a great loss and I can only image what you’re going through. I’m really happy you’ve at least experienced a break through with your emotional health regarding your mom’s illness and how you perceive yourself in her journey.

Have you heard of the Healing Codes? It helped me tremendously during my bout with anal cancer. The stress and anxiety (fear of death) was alleviated.

The book is available on amazon if you decide to look into it.

Sending hugs,
Theresa

Posted on August 6, 2010 at 1:31:30 PM by theresam

My sweet Alyssa:

I’m so very proud of you! Wow, what you’ve accomplished in just 4 weeks…well, it should not surprise me because you are an over achiever like you said. You’ve come a long way and still have more to explore. But I know you will keep on growing and learning how to heal your self. Your mom knows how much you loved and fought for her. I want you to keep on walking this path. It makes me smile to hear from you.

Big hugs being sent to you and Happy belated birthday!
Teresa

Posted on August 6, 2010 at 4:22:24 PM by tmay

Hi Alyssa, Happy Birthday! and your crying brings us all closer to healing. . . thank you for healing for yourself, for us, for your ancestors and for the whole universe. In my own experience, every tear opened up a deeper space through which love and empathy may pass into my awareness . . . I had so much of my soul and essence covered up .. that the crying helped peal back the layers of gook….. my heart is with you in this process we all share. There is a great book you might want to check out.. it is called Essence, The Diamond Approach To Inner Realization. . . you may find it fascinating…. best wishes always,, your butty, Frank

Posted on August 10, 2010 at 9:15:18 AM by butty

July 21, 2010

Just a heads up…I’m raising funds for the 2nd Annual Caminemos Por Vida (translates to Walking for life) 5-mile walk taking place on October 10, 2010 in SF Golden Gate Park.

Circulo de Vida is a non-profit organization that provides support services to Latino and Spanish-speaking families dealing with cancer….the only one of it’s kind, I might add.

http://www.active.com/donate/caminemosaz

Posted on July 21, 2010 at 4:35:08 PM by Alyssa ( Another Fundraiser - Give if You Can, 0 comments)